Worse Than Your Cactus Obsession
by Zeweehoop
Summary: Dan didn't know it was possible for Phil to have an obsession worse than cacti, but it was.


A/N: I played around with this idea in my head, but apparently I didn't think too hard about the ending. So sorry in advance to the cringe-y ending. Also, follow me on tumblr because thats where i post most stories. My tumblr is slimyorange.

"I want a pet cat," Phil Lester informed his boyfriend one day. Phil was seated on the kitchen countertop while Dan was cooking rice and beans.

"That's not going to happen."

And that was that. The conversation ended as quickly as it started, thank God for that. Dan knew Phil would probably accidentally murder the cat if he actually bought one. He hoped Phil didn't take it personally. He would be good at things like: taking naps with the cat, gradually giving it extra food, letting have the other side of his bed (when Dan wasn't sleeping there). But he just couldn't be trusted to take care of a living critter.

* * *

"Hey Dan, come look at this," Phil shouted from across the flat.

"But I'm in the middle of an anime!" He shouted back.

There was no reply from Phil, which meant he was making desperate puppy-dog faces from the other side of the apartment.

"Phil, pathetic looks won't work, considering I'm not even in the same room as you."

The silence remained and Dan rolled his eyes as he stood up and walked to Phil's room. Really, he had no idea how Phil manages to make Dan so submissive. It certainly had nothing to do with the fact that Phil is kinky as hell and would forcefully pin Dan against the nearest wall if he didn't get what he wanted with the pitiful looks he gives Dan. Honestly, ever since Phil revealed the dominant side, his ego grew and acted as if he was a bloody queen. Damn him for being so attractive while doing it.

Dan popped his head through the door frame, and Phil looked up. He pat the left side of his bed, indicating Dan should sit down.

As he sat next to Phil, the laptop Phil was holding tilted so Dan could see the screen better, and Dan saw on the screen, list of cats for adoption.

"I really like that one, it looks like your aesthetic." Phil pointed to a black baby kitten with extremely puffy fur. Dan face-palmed himself.

"Phil, we already went through this. You're simply not responsible enough to keep an animal alive. You barely manage to keep yourself healthy, I doubt an additional life form would survive.

"You're no fun." Phil pouted, making his lower lip seem larger than usual.

"I am in bed," he winked.

Dan laughed as he ran out of Phil's bedroom, dodging a pillow being thrown at his head.

* * *

Dan was sitting in his sofa crease, laptop resting upon his thighs,his browsing position already enabled, when Phil walked through the front door with a paper bag of what seemed to be groceries. Normally, Dan wouldn't question it when his partner came home with strange items in hand, but Phil had the brown bag containing the items slightly hidden under the hem of his shirt. Not all the way, but just enough for his boyfriend of six years to notice that this supposed bag of groceries were actually things that were meant to be kept a secret.

"Phil, what do you have in your hand?"

"Er, a bag, obviously." Phil looked anxious at the question, which fueled Dan's curiosity.

"And what exactly is in the bag?" He questioned, one eyebrow delicately raised.

"Nothing, it's just for a video." The raven haired boy hurriedly explained, trailing down to his room in a quick, suspicious pace.

Dan nodded, looking back at his laptop screen. He didn't know if he should mention a specific item tucked in the sack that looked awfully a lot like cat food to Phil.

* * *

It was ten in the morning, and Dan had been rudely interrupted from a dream by his boyfriend violently shaking him.

"You want something?" He demanded, his tone slightly snappish. He was groggy from just waking up, but never too tired to be annoyed at Phil.

Phil nodded eagerly. "You remember when you told me we could buy a kitten?" he asked in an ecstatic mood.

"You mean when I specifically advised you not to make any cat purchases?"

Instead of answering, Phil pulled out a pure white kitten with black spots on its legs resembling mittens. Phil's smile widened, as did Dan's eyes.

"Phil, why the fuck did you buy a cat after I very clearly instructed you not to?"

"Sorry. I'm sorry, but I just couldn't stop thinking about getting one, so I bought Bumbo."

"You bought a cat and named it Bumbo," he stated plainly.

Dan was at a loss for words. He couldn't comprehend coherent thoughts, so talking aloud definitely was not an option. Phil seemed to notice the horrified expression on Dan's face because he picked up the cat and slowly took small steps out of the room.

* * *

Three weeks passed and Dan was only imperceptibly used to the ridiculous cat. He couldn't help it; that thing was truly evil. It often knocked glass mugs off the counter or table, it would shed its appalling white fur onto Dan's bed (and Dan's bed alone, which showed that the animal was truly out to get him), it would think that the small Pokemon plushies were toys for him, and it liked to hide in the towel closet for long periods of time. He had no idea how Phil couldn't understand how vicious and malevolent it was. He denied it and insisted that Bumbo was an innocent white cat and Dan was just jelous that Phil directed all his attention to an animal rather than his own boyfriend. Dan obviously defended himself, but Phil shook his head with a smile on his face.

Dan walked in the loo and closed the door. He had spent five entire hours watching _Buffy_ with Phil without any type of break. He desperately needed to pee. He turned around, expecting nothing but a toilet, but luck never seemed to be on his side. Sitting on top on the toilet seat, a cinnamon-colored cat was sprawled out.

This would've surprised Dan so much if the original cat Phil had bought looked similar to the one perched on the toilet. So what do you do when you are shocked a new cat has discovered its way into your bathroom? Scream like a bloody girl, of course.

Phil rushed in the restroom after hearing such a blood-curtailing scream.

"Phil, what the everlasting fuck is a brown cat doing on our toilet seat?" He all but shouted.

Dan saw Phil wince while picking up the cat. "I thought Bumbo would get lonely, so I got him a girlfriend. Behold, Minnie Bum."

"Let me repeat your explanation so I can understand better. You buy a cat without my consent, and you think this supposed cat got lonely, so you purchased another one and named it Minnie Bum."

Dan stared as Phil nodded.

"Okay, how much did Minnie Bum cost, then?" He asked with eyebrows knitting together.

"It only costed five hundred euros."

"You spent five hundred bloody euros so your precious cat wouldn't remain lonely?!"

"Oh come on, don't act as if you hadn't bought clothing that costs more."

"This is bloody worse than your cactus obsession."

"Well, at least you won't get pricked if you put your hand in a drawer." Phil argued.

Dan gritted his teeth and stomped out of the room.

* * *

Dan, being a socially awkward nerd, rarely went out. So when he did go out, it was usually with his socially awkward friends. Felix and Tyler had invited him out for dinner to discuss a possible collab for Youtube. They had gone to a fancy restaurant that Dan had never heard of. They talked about life, joked around a bit, all the while having smiles on their faces.

Dan's phone made a quiet _ding_ ; he had gotten a text from Phil.

 _Dan, we have a situation_

 _What is it?_ He replied back.

Just come home.

Dan shook his head and put his phone away. It was the first night in two months that he was with his friends. He won't cut the dinner short to go home to Phil, who he sees everyday.

Five minutes later, Phil sent him another text.

 _Please._

Cursing Phil for his skillful tactics to get Dan home, he turned to the other two men and apologized for the need to hurry home.

He signaled a taxi and told the driver his destination.

He ran through the door, but froze when he saw Phil on the floor with the brown cat, the white cat, and five tiny baby kittens.

"I should have thought that this might happen." Phil explained, giving Dan a small smile, probably in hopes to mollify Dan.

"Phil Lester, you are so going to die." Dan gave Phil three seconds, then pounced. They raced each other and Phil was quick, but Dan caught the hem of his shirt at the last minute and Phil fell to the floor.

"Would it help any if I told you I named the youngest kitten after you?" Phil joked. Dan meant to keep a straight face, but he couldn't help it; he cracked a smile. Maybe the kittens weren't so bad.


End file.
